Understanding healthy boundaries can be challenging if it isn’t something that has been modeled. As a female, being raised in an era where I was supposed to be a “good little girl,” often meant I considered everyone else’s needs and desires before my own. As an adult, this means I still struggle with “feeling mean” if I’m taking care of a personal need when someone wants me to do something else – and I know I’m not alone in that. 

My spouse was raised in a culture where he was often *volun-told* what to do (in other words volunteered without being asked). And the long term result is an extreme sensitivity to people even coming close to stepping on his boundaries. While at the same time, if I ask him if he’s able to do something, he literally will never say no because he doesn’t feel he’s allowed to. All that emotional muscle memory goes deep! 

We are entitled to personal sovereignty. What I mean by that is that as an adult, you get to make your own choices. One could argue that’s only true within the laws of the land, but in truth you can choose to ignore those – it’s just that by making that choice, you are also choosing the possibility of a consequence for doing so. (And please note, I’m in no way encouraging you to break the law.) Again, all of these are your choices. 

You may not feel like you have a choice about going to work, but the reality is that you choose that each day because you like a roof over your head and food in your belly. Those are your choices. They may not be choices you like, but they ARE choices, and understanding that is empowering. 

So what is within your sphere of influence? Your choices and decisions, and the priorities that guide them. Your responses and reactions. Your emotions and energy. These are the things you get to control. There is a lot within your sphere of influence. You have a lot to feel empowered about. 

Understanding healthy boundaries comes in also understanding what is NOT within your sphere of influence. Basically all the things I just listed but in the reverse. You do not have control over someone else’s choices and decisions. Not their responses or reactions. Not their energy or emotions. And not their priorities. These are not things that you can or should control, and honestly it’s incredibly freeing to stop trying to. 

A Few Examples

Example 1: Let’s say that you’re at home and your significant other had a bad day, and that bad mood is leaking out all over the place. That’s theirs to do – it isn’t nice and there may be consequences – but it is theirs to choose. 

What is yours to choose is how you react and what you do. Since they’re already breaking the “don’t be a dick” rule, can you do the same and get snappy back at them? Sure. But the question is whether that’s the energy you want to operate in. 

A better choice might be to grab some Black Tourmaline as a reminder that their energy is theirs and yours is yours. Or perhaps a Smoky Quartz if it is something you can tell they just need to vent and talk through. Or you may simply need to remove yourself from the situation (because I’m definitely not encouraging you to submit to abuse, I’m just talking about what falls within your personal sovereignty). 

Example 2: Let’s say you’ve been invited to attend something, but you are completely exhausted or have a conflict. You get to control your priorities and decisions, but often we want to try to control people’s responses to our decisions – and that’s where we go wrong. 

Sometimes that happens through us over-explaining our “no” (which is really us asking them to judge our decision) or sometimes us overtly telling them how to respond, or even worse sometimes we try manipulating them in an attempt to get the response *we* want (an example of that might be “don’t be mad, remember you canceled on me last week”). 

Healthy relationships are based in love and trust. I trust my loved ones to be honest and to make decisions that are the best they’re able to do in any given moment, and I’m doing the same. Does that mean we don’t disappoint each other sometimes? Of course not, but the fact that we get disappointed when we can’t get together simply is an indicator of how much we enjoy spending time together. And that is something to be grateful for! (Which is a much higher vibration and a better choice of a response.)

If you’re struggling with concerns over the reactions your decisions may be met with, you can always grab a Rhodonite and spend some time pressing into that sense of love and trust that exists in healthy relationships. Have an expectation your decision will be received well and stay in a place of expecting good. 

In closing, I’ll simply say I personally find Black Tourmaline to be a great “healthy boundary” stone. So if you’re working on improving, it’s a wonderful one to work with (and I share a great meditation for helping solidify these ideas in your mind). I hope the graphic below helps give you a visual reminder you can call back to mind. I find even visualizing the circle around myself can be helpful – hopefully you will too!